Is there Peace without Justice?

Peace and justice are two terms that seem inextricably linked.  I don’t remember a time that I didn’t believe they could exist independently.  How does one find peace if they cannot have justice?  We all know or perhaps are or have been the person who’s had to carry the weight of injustice and unfairness around our necks like a mill stone; defining who we are, limiting who we become.  How indeed can we reach our fullest potential if a great injustice has been perpetrated against us.  The universe has marked, marred and judged us as unworthy to be deserving of wonderful things.  We must tote around out “Backpack of Burden” until we find justice.

Wars have been fought, lives lost and ruined in the pursuit of justice in the belief that ultimately peace would be found at the end of the road.  However; we rarely contemplate, weigh or measure the cost of that justice and the price of that peace.  Not to in any way diminish the  suffering of those who fought those wars, lost in those wars, or were subjected tortured or died in those wars.  Indeed there are ideals and social contracts worth defending, fighting and dying for.  The price of justice is indeed high, and most often non negotiable.   Bless the many who have paid the price for the just society we strive to live in.

Bring justice down to the micro scale and its cost needs to be measured and its price cost benefit analysis to determine if the time and price you will pay for that justice is worth your peace.

Peace is far more allusive. It is a place, a feeling, a person, a global aspiration, a wish, a hope and a dream.  Peace is indeed the ultimate brass ring.  The goal we all say we are striving for.  What peace means to me may be utter chaos, or complete terror for you.  My peace may be your nightmare – and in there we find the injustice.  

I was challenged this week to seek more justice in my life.  That the several very traumatic events, some ancient, some more recent.  While I appreciated the affirmation I was wronged.  I have often been told I was reading too much into events.  I do believe I have found peace and in one case actually justice by not not pursuing formal and public justice. 

There is indeed a rainbow of feelings that run through us when we endure injustice.  Revenge, anger, rage are emotions that often accompany injustice.  Then comes helplessness, entrapment, foolishness.  You can either fight the good fight and often you will be initially perceived as  the villain; because indeed a lie will have travelled around the  world while the truth is still getting out of bed.  As is the plight of justice.  There is a reason those who fight injustice even in fantasy do it alone.   

Frequently in their time those who fight for the cause of justice are perceived as insane, criminal, heretics, lunatics, utterly mad.  It is rare that the fighter of injustice is perceived in their time as a hero.  Hence the price of justice is rarely peace in one’s own life.

So I was challenged to fight for my own justice.  To stand up to my brother and argue for justice around my parents will.  As the red headed step child I was always perceived as the problem, the reason things went wrong, spoiled, or was entitled  and undeserving.  

I was told time and time again I was imagining the slights, I was reading too much into situations or that in time I would see justice.  I feel like I have although anyone I told the story to feels I was unduly wronged.  Truly it is my children who lost out – but I feel I have been vindicated.

Upon my  mothers death my oldest brother took it upon himself, against my parents specific direction, to dispose of the  money and possessions to various and sundry charities in my home town including a scholarship foundation set up in the family name – as well as a for profit entity, etc etc. Thus cutting out my dead brother’s children; and me.   My sister, who had just left her husband, refused to acknowledge the significant loan still owned by her husband, and of course my brother who as executor could do as he pleased.   For the year it took to settle the estate my sister -in-law and brother waxed philosophic about how I was up in arms and going to contest and going to create havoc and chaos around the will.  All the while I had, for the most part,  remained silent.  My brother never spoke of or consulted me on his choices.  He would send my sister, armed with no rationals to inform me of his choices.

I did offer to support my niece if they chose to fight.  Personally – ultimately I could not remain quiet. I sought not for justice, I  simply sought understanding.  I called my brother and simply asked why he was making the choices he was making.  To which he responded “I don’t know why you care so much about this; it’s not like you are part of the same family.”  I thought I might break into a million pieces – finally my every suspicion and feeling over the previous 4 decades had been confirmed.   However, alas I did not break into a million pieces, not one tear fell.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief.  The gaslight went out and a smile broke across my face.  That was indeed the justice I sought.  To know that all those feelings I had endured and was made to lock away were justified.  To know that no matter what I did or how hard I tried I was never going to sit at the big kids table, because this was not “my” family table filled me with joy.

I picked up the phone – called my brother back and said I genuinely and truly want to thank you for speaking the most honest words I have ever heard from you.  But now for really and truly we are done.

Over the next few months there was the occasional attempt to make right the wrong, but the minute I pushed or commented with anything less than full acceptance I was met with a tirade of venom and malice.  I can truly say I felt NOTHING, not sadness or regret, just simply relief that the truth had been spoken aloud and  could not be taken back. That I could move on without regret or guilt. At one point my sister phoned me in tears saying peace needed to be made because she could not choose between us.  When I asked her who was asking her to choose – as it was not I.  She did indeed confess she was pressured to make the choice; and indeed she did.  It was not me.  Again I was okay with it.

As the clock ran out on my chance to contest things my life came together and I realised that I had family, my husband and my sons.  It was and continues to be all the love and support I need.  I no longer need the support or approval of siblings who set the bar both impossibly high and then resent each time I leap over it. I had made my own family. I had found the peace, acceptance and love I had always sought.

As I approach a second decade since all of this I continue to be at peace.  I have crossed paths with him a few times and I remain at peace.  I remain okay with my choice and bear no malice towards him or my sister.   I have found both justice and peace – the hypocrisy and lies have been caught out.  I did not have a fit or publicly malign my family as was prophesied all over town.

Had I fought the fight – fulfilled his fantasy  I would have won the fight but found no peace and have remained the red headed step child with justice but no peace, love and acceptance I would never be able to see.  Peace can be found without formal justice.  Justice is not always found in a book, legislation or a courtroom.  Sometimes justice is in our heart, and the voice in our head saying – “take a minute – is it Justice you seek, or Peace you crave?”   Justice does not always ride in on a white horse; sometimes it drifts in on a frail breeze to whisper quietly – stop and be still.