Here we are about to step through the looking glass. Join me.

Reflecting on the past 4 years I vacillate between anger, shame, regret and self loathing. I knew better. Every fiber of my being was telling me not to go down the rabbit hole and yet I did.

4 years and a 1/4 of a million dollars later. I have lost, in random order:

• One business
• On the precipice of losing the other 2
• A beautiful car that was only a year old.
• My extended family
• Friends
• My dignity

Of course I couldn’t stop there. I had to pile on a little more:

• I have hurt and disappointed my children,
• I have hurt my husband
• I nearly walked away from 35 years of marriage
• I have let down my friends.
• I have had to abandon some of my bucklet list goals
• Had my oldest, dearest and trusted companion used against me as a weapon.
• Oh and lets not forget…. I may have developed my own addiction.

As I am sure you are tired of hearing I grew up with privilege and in a community that had very little of that. I grew up alone. My parents were OLD. My siblings did not accept me. Among my extended family I literally had No peer. I was an outsider everywhere I went. Then told I must be broken because I should have swarms of friends.

Once I lost my only real person, the keeper of my secrets, and teacher of all things mischievous; My Grandfather. At 11 years old I was left to the wolves. With a vocabulary a university student would envy, and in a family, school and community that could neither hear or see me. Pen and paper became my armour and my sword. I could craft my thoughts and feelings in a way that would not be ignored.

When I stepped through the looking glass 4 years ago my world was turned on its head. I felt like I literally fell into an alternate universe and everything I knew about myself was no longer true. My entire belief system seemed to be shattered. I was speeding down the autobahn but had no steering wheel.

While I would dearly love to bury my shame and stupidity, hold it in and not share my failure and humiation. The little voice of intuitions tells me “As hard as this if going to be. I owe it to myself to”

1. Reconnect with my best friend.

2 Find the wisdom I was supposed to learn from the chaos of chasing crazy.

3. Reconnect and strengthen my relationship with myself.

So I have chosen to blog to see if my relationship with the written word is still solid, intimate, and safe. To tell this story unembroidered, and unvarnished will be sharing my biggest failure, all my vulnerabilities and insecurities. with potentially the world.. My soul standing naked upon the stage waiting to be eviscerated, examed, and judged.

If I can make it through the retelling; this will be among the hardest things I have ever done. Please be patient. You are welcome to offer your thoughts and opinions, I deserve your judgement. I have very nearly used the nuclear option on my life and future. I am not sure I will survive the carpet bombing I am responsible for.

Neither me or my life will ever be the same again. I hope sharing this train wreck will serve as a cautionary tale for others and a catharsis for me. Thanks you, whether you seem me as the victim, villain or hero of this story, for choosing to bare witness to my journey.